Hi guys. And the laydeez. It’s me, Tony. You know, the best prime minister the country ever had. The man with the rictus smile, the diamond skull and dead behind the eyes. The divinity who understands everything but himself.

I know what you are thinking. It’s been far, far too long since you have last heard from me. You’ve all been lost in the political wilderness. Bereft without your spiritual leader. Worry no longer. I am back. To comfort and hold you all. To shine a light into your sad little worlds. All I’ve ever wanted is to serve. And to be loved. But I hold no bitterness for the way you all turned your backs on me. So often the fate of many a messiah.

I led the Labour party for 13 years and won three general elections. Never forget that. No other Labour politician has done that. And if I play my cards right, no other Labour politician ever will. Right now, the Labour party is in the grip of self-delusion. Which makes me the perfect person to critique it. Because no one is more self-deluded than me. ‘Tis very heaven to imagine you are being constructive when your real goal is to switch off the life support.

Don’t get me wrong. I think Wes Streeting is a very talented politician. Had he been around in 1997 he might have made a very promising junior parliamentary private secretary. And Andy Burnham is OK, I suppose. If you like that kind of thing. But neither are a long-term fix for the party. We are stuck in a politics bubble. The problem is not Keir Starmer’s personality. Mainly because he doesn’t have one. We should not be scratching the surface with a beauty parade. Personality politics is vacuous. Except when it was me and Gordon. Poor Gordon. Always the bridesmaid. Still is.

So we shouldn’t be thinking of replacing Keir as no one is better placed than Keir to lose the next election because the voters have said they will never vote Labour again while he is prime minister. Not that I want Labour to lose. Of course not. Whatever gave you that idea? What I really meant to say is that Labour needs to recalibrate. To make the argument why it should be in government. Something Keir has never done. Like so many Labour prime ministers other than me – not that there have been many – he has campaigned right and governed left. Labour needs to reinvent itself on the radical centre. Which is another way of saying, the centre right. Or as the Conservative party.

Politics is about power. And since I left No 10, the UK has become a second-class global power. So we need to stick close to the US. We need to be partners, not in opposition. Donald Trump is a great guy when you get to know him. Probably the best president since George W Bush. Someone who will be fully worthy of his Nobel peace prize. Just as I treasure the replica one I awarded myself. No one has done more to stop the wars he started. And unlike me, Donald is big enough not to see visions of the hundreds of thousands of people whose deaths he was responsible for pass before his eyes as he tries to get to sleep.

I am deeply honoured to be a member of Trump’s Board of Peace along with many others from the world’s most wanted list. Keir made a huge mistake by not joining the US in bombing Iran, because it can never be wrong not to go to war along with the US. Can it? There were weapons of mass destruction. I’m sure of it. There has to have been, we just haven’t found them yet. And Keir should never have sacked the deeply talented Peter Mandelson as US ambassador. People get so precious about twice being sacked from the cabinet.

It is also time to rethink our relationship with Europe. Now is not the time to relitigate Brexit. That ship has long since sailed. Instead, what we should do is become much more powerful than Europe and then get the EU to come to us begging to join the UK. And we can only do this if we deregulate everything I once regulated, and grasp the benefits of AI. I won’t say here what the benefits of AI are, mainly because I don’t know what they are, but all my tech bro pals are making shedloads of money, so it has to be a good thing.

We also need to rethink the way we do politics at home. Voters want politicians who are prepared to crash into brick walls. To challenge the very orthodoxies for conventional. Have I mentioned before that I am the only Labour prime minister to have won a full second term? Not that I am in any way needy. Or condemned to the purgatory of all yesterday’s men. Just that I feel obliged to answer the call when the country I quite like, though not as much as the US and China, is in need.

The change needed will be radical. First we have to get rid of all workers’ rights. No country ever achieved economic growth by worrying about its low-value human capital. We have to accept that if some people are broke, ill or hopefully dead then that is a price worth paying. Likewise, Labour needs to realise the welfare bill is far too high. There must be an end to a culture of state support for those who are sick or disabled. And maybe we should think about getting rid of pensions altogether. If people don’t have the capability to set up their own global institute then they deserve every misfortune that comes their way.

Finally, we must forget our obsession with net zero. Climate change is so last decade. People just need to get used to sub-Saharan temperatures in May as a price well worth paying for cheap fossil fuels. Will no one think of the major oil corporations any more? PS. The TBI bank details are available online if Shell or BP want to make a donation. Though obviously I can’t be bought.

In short. To win, the Labour party must become the Tory party. Which is why I have just written Kemi Badenoch’s manifesto for her as there’s nothing here with which she wouldn’t agree. It’s time for a new age of Tony. Me. Me. Me. Britain has huge strengths and in me a highly talented leader.

I have done it before. I will rise again from the dead.