The tales that could have been tweeted

Last Bus to Woodstock from the Inspector Morse series by Colin Dexter

• "They've found a body, sir," said Lewis

• "Not now, Lewis," said Morse. "I'm listening to #Wagner."

• Morse glowered pensively until the music was over and then left for the pub, bumping into a woman on the way.

• "You're a very pretty lady, aren't you?" said Morse.

• "I'm the murderer, you idiot," thought the woman.

• "I wish Nick wasn't such an underachieving loser," thought Amy.

• "I wish Amy wasn't such a stuck-up cow," thought Nick.

• Nick is a horrible person.

• Amy is a horrible person.

• They are both horrible people.

• "I need to find the Horcruxes ALONE," shouted Harry wearily.

• "We'll never leave you Harry," said Hermione worriedly.

• "You're not his mother Hermione," muttered Ron jealously.

• "I'm dying," whispered #Voldemort morbidly.

• "We've saved the day!" yelled Neville hoarsely.

• "I love you Harry," said Ginny boringly.

• "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."

• After some bad dates, single man in possession of a good fortune marries.

• "Find me a woman who's not barren," growled Henry, clutching his huge and regal codpiece.

• "Will I do, your highness?" breathed Mary Boleyn, her rosebud lips parting with anticipation.

• "Be mine instead, sire," murmured Anne.

• "You'll be beheaded, you adulterous whore!" bawled Henry.

• "May God have mercy," thought Mary as she watched the execution, her milk-white bosom heaving with fear.

• WE

• ARE

• ALL

• GOING

• TO

• DIE