There are a lot of things I am not very good at.

I cannot draw to save my life. My brother got that particular gene in our family. I am a mediocre athlete at best. In her marathon running days my mother could effortlessly take me in a foot race. And I am probably the world's worst financial investor – easily swept up in the emotional swings of the markets. Thankfully, though, my wife happens to be a genius with money, so I'm covered there.

I am, however, a fairly decent cook—thanks to Jamie Oliver and his slew of cookbooks.

I can take the odd pleasant-to-look-at photograph.

And I also happen to be able to write a pretty decent humorous story.

Which is why, I suppose, I've been asked to come up with some tips for writing comedic dialogue.

I'm going to try to give you five pointers - because I'm not sure if I can come up with ten - but if I find I have a few extra things to tell you, well, I might cheat and just give you a 5 a, b, and c. We'll see how it goes. Also, most of the tips here can be applied to writing any dialogue really (thus the parenthesis in the title).

Tip 1: Develop your ear by eavesdropping

Who doesn't love spying on other people? Isn't that why reality shows are everywhere on TV? We all want to poke our noses into other people's dirty laundry. Well, guess what? If you're a writer, that's now your job! Enjoy it. Bask in it. Take notes. Bring your recorder.

Whether you're on a bus, or at the mall, or in a restaurant. People's conversations are there to be listened to and stolen. I can't count the number of times I've been on a plane — trying to mind my own business and read a book — and there will be somebody spouting off behind me louder than they ought to be. And so, instead of being annoyed, I take it for the gift it is. And I listen. To the rhythms of the person's speech, their idiosyncrasies, their slang, and, of course, the content, particularly if it strikes me as funny.

Then, there are the cell phone shouters. People who really want you to listen in on their half of the conversation. Just the other day I was subjected to some guy bellowing into his cell phone on the ferry about how he'd been suffering horrible bouts of diarrhea and vomiting for the last three days. He didn't know if he had a bug or food poisoning but apparently whatever he ate was coming out of both ends like dueling geysers.

Tip 2: Read dialogue-heavy works

This should be an obvious one but I'm still surprised at all the people who want to write yet say they have no time to read. It boggles the mind. Of course, you should try to read everything you can but if you are struggling with a particular aspect of your writing I would suggest focusing on the things you need help with.

If it's dialogue you are working on, read writers who are particularly good at dialogue (Elmore Leonard comes to mind but there are many others).

And if you are interested in writing comedy, read comedic novels. Or perhaps, even better, humorous plays and screenplays. Notice, I didn't say go to the theatre. Or watch funny movies and television shows. That's all well and good but you really need to read the scripts to get a sense of the timing and the rhythm of the speech. So much of comedy is timing and pacing. Get a sense of what's funny by absorbing the words on the page.

Tip 3: Read your dialogue out loud

As I mentioned above, good dialogue is all about rhythms of speech. So, read the dialogue you're working on out loud. It should feel smooth and effortless in the mouth.

You can also record yourself reading your dialogue so you can listen back to it. Or better yet, get some friends to read it to you so you can hear exactly how it sounds. You'll know instantly if something sounds right or if it rings false.

Tip 4: Make yourself laugh first

One of my favorite parts of writing comedy - and dialogue in particular - is making myself laugh. Yes, I suppose this sounds a bit like mental masturbation and perhaps it is. But guess what, you're a writer. It's your job. Enjoy it. Bask in it. Etc. etc.

Because honestly, if you're not enjoying what you're writing, do you really think anyone else is going to.

This probably should be the number one rule but it's just come to me now and so, here it sits at number four.

Tip 5: Make your character's voices distinct

An old screenwriting trick is to grab a few pages of your script and cover up the names of your characters. Then, read the dialogue and see if you can guess who's speaking. If you're having any trouble at all then you haven't done your job.

Each character's voice should be easily recognisable. To that end, give your characters verbal tics, or words and phrases that they only use, or grammatical errors that are specific to them. Perhaps they speak in sentence fragments. Or run-on sentences. Do they overuse their large vocabulary? Do they use colorful language to get their point across?

And if you are writing comedy, does one of your characters say wholly inappropriate things at inappropriate times? Are they far too forthright? Do they tell you things you really don't want to know (see cell phone guy yammering on about his diarrhea above)?

Again, these are all things you can pick up by listening to how people speak. And if you're afraid of eavesdropping at first, start close to home. How does your mother talk? Your uncle? Your sister, brother, cousin, wife, father, grandparent? Do they ever shock you? Surprise you? Make you laugh by what comes out of their mouth? It's all fodder for you to use.

Tip 5a: One other thing to remember when writing dialogue...

Write how people speak but not really how they speak. People blather on. Don't let your characters. Unless it's a personality quirk. And even then, don't have them go on and on. Distill the speech to what's important, what's funny, what needs to be said. Here's a good exercise. Record a conversation somewhere. Then come home and transcribe it. You will be bored to tears. Now try to rewrite that conversation so it's interesting, exciting, and/or funny.

Read Don Calame's Top Ten funny books for teens

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