Being gay facilitated my capacity for shame. As a child, I carried around this thing that gradually became this big dark secret. When I came out in a newspaper interview at 30 I was expecting the reaction the following day to be like the climax of Dead Poets Society, but actually no one really cared.

Taking up magic was a distraction from my sexuality. There is that 1970s cliché of the gay man as hairdresser, interior decorator, fashionista… and all of those things are about arranging surfaces in a very dazzling way – and magic is all about how you arrange surfaces. I got very good at deflecting people from things I didn’t want them to see.

I bought a two-headed cow from eBay. I’ve got a house full of taxidermy. It’s like a museum. I have about 200 pieces in total, all ethically sourced. I was walking through London the other day and I got a text from a taxidermist dealer friend saying: “Oh I’ve just passed you, I’ve got a kiwi in the back.”

I was a Christian when I was young and didn’t know any better. And I once went to a conference about curing gayness – all it did was reinforce my shame.

The participants of my shows come to my house for dinner. We all remain friends. It’s part of letting go. I had them all over for dinner two weeks ago, it’s almost like a little support group.

The man I am on stage is divorced from who I am in real life. When I’m performing, being that controlling person, that’s not me. I’m actually fairly quiet.

I wouldn’t want the control I have on stage in my own life. Control would make for a very boring life because you’d be in that little box of security rather than growth. To paraphrase Freud, life is basically a bit unhappy.

I’m a trained barista. I learnt in my spare time while touring. So I guess if my whole career crumbles one day…

Derren Brown’s latest book, Meet the People with Love (Bantam) is available at guardianbookshop.com for £22. Derren Brown: Sacrifice is on Netflix