'Throughout my 20s I had moderately extended periods of a more or less good mood and moderately extended periods of more or less down moods that became increasingly distinct from one another. But I didn’t really progress to a state that could be considered an episode or a disorder until I was about 28'Photograph: Ellen Forney'I didn’t want to start work on something so sensitive and personal until I’d had some time to trust my recovery'Photograph: Ellen Forney'Like most people with a mental illness, I’m only too aware of the fragility of my emotional state;Photograph: Ellen Forney'Stopping a drug regime that appeared to be working, even if it was only coincidentally, was not a chance that I felt I could afford to take. The possibility of relapsing into manic depressive mood swings was unbearable'Photograph: Ellen Forney'The depressions were certainly more painful for me to experience and for friends and loved ones to witness'Photograph: Ellen Forney'The euphoric parts were amazing. Colours felt vivid and vibrant; the world felt fascinating and interconnected – and I felt powerful, sexy, and full of love and curiosity. But I was also insatiable, impatient, compulsive and restless. I cringe now at how offputting to other people I might have been' Photograph: Ellen ForneyOver four years, Forney tried different doses of various drugs, including lithium, clonazepam and lamotrigine; some had little or no effect, some had unpleasant side-effects, such as bringing her out in acne or lowering her blood count. Others were just too expensive in the USPhotograph: Ellen Forney
