There have been countless books fawning over the Royal Family in embarrassingly, gushing style, so you may ask why we need another. Simple. I have been given access to the Royal Household that is unprecedented since the previous hack got unprecedented access last year. That, and because the public has an insatiable appetite for this kind of crap at Christmas.
To the many millions of subjects who see Her Majesty only at state functions, this modern-day Gloriana can appear a distant, bejewelled angel. But those lucky few of us who have observed her close up get a rather different picture. Whether she is exchanging witty banter with Stephen Hawking on string theory or chatting to one of the lower orders about food prices in Tesco, she shows that she's the cleverest, most attractive, hardest-working 81-year-old on the planet.
I should mention Walter Bagehot at this point because all writers on royalty are obliged to bring his name up to make them look clever, but now I have I can carry on with the fluffy bits. So here's the Lord Chamberlain. "My job is to give the Queen fearless advice," he says, bowing low before her. And who are these comely matrons from the shires? Why, they are the Ladies-in-Waiting, aka posh women with time on their hands who are happy to do all the things the Queen can't be bothered to, just for the glory of serving their monarch.
When you have travelled to all corners of the globe, you might think the prospect of a trip to Weston-super-Mare would pall. Yet even though I am present and the cameras are rolling, the Queen is extremely enthusiastic. "Where is it?" she asks her Private Secretary. "I've heard it's near Birmingham, Ma'am," Sir Robin replies, "but I will make sure Your Majesty does not have to miss the racing on the television."
The Queen understands she is the glue that holds the nation together, so no matter how minor a royal visit might seem, it has to be planned in meticulous detail - even down to the lavatory requirements. She is also aware of how much the country has changed and insists her flunkeys maintain her diversity quota. Later that day, she is gratified to meet a black person. "Have you travelled far?" she asks. "No, I live here," the black person replies, mystified. "Jolly good," she says, moving on. The black person will later tell her friends how marvellous the Queen was and that her life is now completely fulfilled.
There is far too much work even for someone as tireless as Her Majesty, so occasionally other members of the Royal Family have to do some work. Their names are the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of Wales, the Princess Royal, the Duke of York, the Earl of Wessex and Princes William and Harry and they, too, are brave and clever aristocrats whose only desire is to do their duty and be of service. Except when they are hunting, shooting and fishing. And getting pissed in Boujis.
Behind the scenes, the Queen attends to important matters of state, such as her weekly audience with the Prime Minister who may advise her to take her savings out of Northern Rock. But it is still the major functions that take up much of her time. Today is the investiture at the Palace and there is a momentary panic over whether a CBE takes precedence over a DSC. A quick call to Tony Blair sorts out the going rate for all honours. The chef Gordon Ramsay is there to collect an OBE. "I am deeply honoured," he says. "You're facking welcome, you oily gobshite," the Queen replies.
It's the biggest event of the year. Annie Leibovitz is photographing the Queen before her historic visit to the US. There is momentary tension when Leibovitz shouts, "Where do you think you're going? Don't storm off like that," but soon all is well. President Bush later cements relations between the two countries with a speech extolling the graciousness of King Elizabeth. The Queen could finally relax and enjoy her EasyJet flight home and reflect on another job well done.
The digested read, digested: Make that Sir Robert Hardman.
