Jason sighed. It was tough being a history teacher at Somerset's worst-performing secondary school. Still, he mused, it would soon be time to go home to his gorgeous wife, Kat, and his two adorable children, Jake and Leah.

As he pulled into the drive, Jason was surprised that no lights were on. He walked through the door and felt a cold shudder run down his spine as he spotted a note on the table. "I'm leaving you and I'm taking the kids," it read. He called Kat's mobile. "Look," she said. "There's no one else involved. It's just that you're too boring."

"How can you do something like this with so little explanation?" he wailed.

"Because I'm an utterly one-dimensional character whose only purpose is to give you a hard time."

Jason sought out Ed Deacon, whose wife had left him a year earlier.

"I'm living in a cardboard box and I'm completely broke," Ed moaned. "I never get to see the kids at all."

The solicitor confirmed Ed's predictions. "Your wife can do what she likes," he said. "You'll be lucky if the kids even recognise you within a couple of years."

Jason phoned Kat. "I'd like to see the kids," he begged.

Kat paused. "Well, you could come over for an hour in three weeks' time."

It was the longest three weeks of Jason's life, but at last the big day arrived. "I'm afraid they've gone to my parents," Kat sniggered. "Come again in a month or so."

Tears welled up in Jason's eyes. How could his wife be so cruel? "It'll get worse," said Ed gloomily. "She'll bleed you dry through the CSA and then accuse you of being a paedophile. The police are already investigating me."

A month later a large envelope from the CSA arrived through the letterbox. "Give all your money to your wife," it said. "You count for nothing because you are a man."

A year had passed and Jason had scarcely seen his children. He decided to visit Ed. "I'm afraid he's committed suicide," said the policeman. "His wife drove him to it," Jason said angrily as his mobile started to ring. "I'm going to live in Newcastle," Kat laughed, "so you're going to see even less of the kids."

"Mummy's just bought a new plasma-screen TV and she makes us all go to a strange church," said Jake, when he called a year later. This was too much. The CSA were robbing him blind and now he, a God-fearing Tory who believed in family values, was powerless to prevent his children from being indoctrinated into a cult.

"I'm bored of the cult, so I'm marrying a librarian," Kat said two years later.

"Well, I'm marrying the dull Carol who's been hanging around for over five years," Jason snapped. "And we're moving next door to you." For the first time in 297 pages, a wry smile passed his lips.

The digested read ... digested

Widders dons her Batman suit