Afghan Hound: “Tall, elegant and well behaved dogs with excellent eyesight. Have a tendency to be slightly aloof, Will require shampoo and set (curlers optional).” Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodBasset Hound: “Sad-looking, inquisitive dogs with an outgoing nature. Have the potential to be unruly and bossy. Look rather comical when running and generally get picked last on Sports Day. Aw!”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodBearded Collie: “This beardy is no weirdy. Long-haired, exuberant, outgoing and affectionate … like a live-in hippy.”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodBlack Labrador: “Deeply affectionate, mildly daft, with a tendency to eat everything in sight. You can have hours of fun watching them belly-flop into water chasing after tennis balls. As they age they may become a bit grey and fat. A running machine and Just for Men can resolve these issues.”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodBorder terrier: “A small breed with long, strong, restless legs, the Border with not hesitate to remind you it’s walkies time; though on hot days, will settle for upside-down sunbathing. This dog shuns woofs and barks in favour of snorts and whines. Also, does a good impression of a meerkat.”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodBrown Labrador: “Have a reputation as being a little fatter and more stupid than their black counterparts. It’s merely a ruse so they can send more time with their bum jammed into the Aga. Make excellent footrests and are very good at cleaning kitchen floors. Will happily lick your plate clean too.”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodBoxer: “The Boxer is a boisterous clown, though he’s happy too, Rumour has it that in London some stand on two feet, wear uniforms and disguise themselves as police constables.”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodChow Chow: “Legend says this Chinese dog has a bluish tongue because it licked up pieces of sky at the dawn of time. They’re certainly an old breed. In fact, Chow Chows were once eaten as a delicacy. Not to confused with Chow Mein.”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodDachshund: “A long, loving and inquisitive dog. Slightly neurotic, will spend large parts of the day worrying. Make excellent draught excluders.”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodFrench Bulldog: “Like a bulldog, but more chic.”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodGerman Shepherd: “The commandos of the dog world. Once known as the Alsatian. Possibly the most popular breed of them all. Great friends, formidable enemies. Which explains why almost 50,000 of them were signed up to the German army in the first world war!”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeod . Once known as the AlsatianPomeranian: “These little puffballs were once Arctic sled dogs but that was when they were bigger obviously. Bred to be smaller companion dogs. Famous owners apparently include Queen Victoria, Michelangelo and Sir Isaac Newton!”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodPug: “Happy, affectionate and mischievous dogs. Pugs are masters of hypnotism; simply look into those big, dark, soulful eyes and you will be completely under their spell, at least until they start to sneeze, snort and snore.”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodSchnauzer: “A big supporter of Movember. Schnauzer literally means moustache. The female of the breed is a little embarrassed about this.”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodSpringer Spaniel: “Utterly and fabulously crazy. Either deeply intelligent or completely stupid. Use crimping tongs to maintain 80s-style hairdo.”Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodCat: This book disgusts me.Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeodBreeds, a canine compendium, by Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeod (published by Square Peg)Illustration: Fenella Smith and The Brothers McLeod