Why her? It's OK I'm Wearing Really Big Knickers.

This is no place to be airing VPL concerns. It wasn't a difficult question, was it? That's one of her novels, you wally. Maybe you've heard of her first oeuvre, Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging - her award-winning diary of a 14-year-old girl - which is currently enjoying cult status across the pond.

You read kids books and have the audacity to call me a wally. Wally: a gormless oik with no clothes sense.

You don't have to rub it in by defining it. I do speak English, you know. Actually, the translation is for the benefit of American teenagers. Each US-published version of the books include a glossary of British playground slang such as snogging, geoggers, prat and wally. After years of enduring our children's use of Americanisms such as "cool" and "like" every other word, finally the worm has turned and, thanks to Ms Rennison, there's now nothing more cool (oops, some of the blighters have bubbled up into adult parlance) for US youngsters than being British. The author has been flooded with letters from American girls asking for more British words so they can out-Brit their chums.

Sounds a bit racy for nippers, though. You're not the first to take that line. "Fury as 'snogging' book for children wins prize" and "'Porn for kids' fury" chimed the tabloids. The Danish edition of Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging even has "Slut" on the last page.

That's even less appropriate for young readers - two wrongs don't make a right. It's Danish for "The End", you prat.

Sounds familiar - little-known British woman finds international fame through penning cult kids' books. Hollywood'll be a knockin' any minute. Paramount are already there.

Do say: "Dribble is never acceptable when full-frontal snogging."

Please don't ever say: She's Bridget Jones for teenagers.