Irvine Welsh, Nick Hornby, Helen Fielding... Nick Duerden? In the past few years, a huge number of novelists have woken up, bewildered, to the news that their work has been chosen for big screen treatment. Perhaps I could join them.
Last month, my novel Sidewalking - about a young man who comes into a lot of dirty money with calamitous consequences - came out to a handful of decent reviews, and several suggestions regarding its cinematic possibilities. Like the naive fool I am, I wasted no time in having my inside leg measured for the tuxedo I'd wear to the premiere.
'It goes in cycles,' says Rocket Pictures's Steve Hamilton-Shaw, whose Disney affiliated company (owned by Elton John) is about to start adapting A L Kennedy's So I Am Glad.
'In the last few years, there have been a lot of high-profile successes, adaptations like Trainspotting and High Fidelity. Inevitably, this starts some kind of trend, and so lots of novels are being snapped up, often even before being published. It's certainly a primary source of inspiration for film-makers, especially British ones.'
In America, he explains, writers can often make a very good living churning out film scripts purely on spec, then hawking them around Hollywood with a good chance of getting a development deal. This doesn't tend to happen over here, and so the industry inevitably looks instead towards that most primary area of storytelling: books.
'If a book sells well,' says FilmFour's Jim Wilson, currently adapting both Sebastian Faulks's Charlotte Gray and Giles Fodon's The Last King Of Scotland, 'then it has a ready-made audience, which is naturally appealing for us. Everyone who read The Beach, for example, went to see the film. I think the profile alone of Bridget Jones will keep this trend in place for some time.'
Despite the fact that it's not released in cinemas for the better part of a year, hype for the film version of Helen Fielding's The Diary Of Bridget Jones is already colossal. Renée Zellweger may well have recently appeared in Neil LaBute's Nurse Betty and the Farrelly Brothers' Me, Myself & Irene, but the only questions British journalists wish to pose to her concern the fictional character she is about to bring to 70mm life.
Bridget isn't alone. Louis de Bernières's million-selling Captain Corelli's Mandolin, starring Nicolas Cage, is also on its way amid a never-ending pre-release fanfare, as of course is J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter. Everything is attracting cinematic interest: in recent months, Kevin Sampson's football hooligan novel Awaydays, Colin Butts's lurid account of holiday reps in Ibiza, Is Harry On The Boat?, and Harland Miller's nostalgic tale about a David Bowie obsessive, Slow Down Arthur, Stick To Thirty, have all been snapped up.
'Basically, we are always on the lookout for good stories,' says Wilson. 'And ideally, we're looking for something that really sticks out and marks it as a true original.' He swings around in his office chair and points to a poster of the new FilmFour-funded Lars Von Trier film, Dancer In The Dark. 'And often, I must say, that's not particularly easy. Look at something like Being John Malkovich (by US screenwriter Charlie Kaufman). I very much doubt screenplays with that kind of scope and depth exist in this country. And if they do, I haven't seen them. The UK has always been far stronger in its original fiction than screenwriting, which is why we do scour for new talent in books. But every time I read what I consider to be an excellent novel, I wish with all my heart it was already in screenplay form, because, believe me, that's when the hard work begins.'
Which brings us to the cloud behind the silver lining - my own book's adaptation possibilities. During my research, I learnt a sobering statistic: 97 per cent of all books optioned within the UK will never make it to the screen. With mathematics like these, England are far more likely to win the World Cup than Sidewalking is to reach Leicester Square. My 32in inside leg would have to wait.
One author who seems to have a good strike rate is Colin Bateman, the former Belfast newspaper man-turned-best-selling author and, subsequently, screenwriter, whose credits include Divorcing Jack and Cycle Of Violence. But even he concedes it's a colossal struggle.
'It's essential to have someone who understands your work and will fight off people who try to dilute it,' he says. 'You have to realise that, at least as far as the UK is concerned, 90 per cent of the people who express an interest in turning your book into a film won't have money of their own. Generally, they will go to a large company for development money, then, when the script is written, they go looking for other companies to invest, and there can be half a dozen of those, so you end up working and re-writing to the whims of what is essentially a committee.'
Divorcing Jack (for which he wrote the screenplay) was savaged by the critics and didn't, consequently, find the home-grown success it deserved, while Cycle Of Violence (re-titled Crossmaheart) failed to find distribution and went straight to video. His third, Empire State, which he sold for no money at all to a small British company, has already gone through three directors before a single frame has been shot. And Bateman is a success story? This is not reassuring.
This next one, however, may be. This year, Harland Miller - a 36-year-old east London-based artist and peer of Jay Joplin and Sam Taylor Wood - published Slow Down Arthur, Stick To Thirty, his debut novel, for a reported £150,000. Agents flew in from Hollywood for several tense pow-wows. The film rights eventually went to Danny Boyle and Andrew MacDonald's production company, DNA, and it was reported that Jarvis Cocker, Miller's long-time friend, was down to direct, with Jude Law desperate for the lead role. Bingo.
Six months on, however, and Miller has yet to pop the champagne cork. 'There was a lot of hype initially,' he says, hesitantly, 'which was good, if a little misleading. To be honest with you, I think the book is currently sitting in a drawer right now, gathering dust.'
Given DNA's schedule - they are working on a couple of films back-to-back, as well as developing a TV series - Miller's novel isn't due to go into production until some time next year. All being well, of course. Whether Law will take the title role is now no longer certain, and the Pulp frontman has yet to sign on.
'Books often stall along the way for a number of reasons,' explains Hamilton-Shaw. So what chance, I ask, does Sidewalking have? 'As good a chance as any, really. I do think that it does have potential to be developed as a small British independent film, so you never know.'
FilmFour's Jim Wilson is also cautiously optimistic. 'Essentially, it treads very familiar ground, and gangland London has been done to death, but you tried to subvert it, which is clever because what do you do when you're working in a very well-established genre? You subvert it. Your character is an outsider to the whole scene, and so it is viewed from the outside. I think, as a book, it works very well. But to develop this into a film, I think you would have to work on the parody elements a bit more. But, yes, I'd say it has potential.'
Good news? Possibly...
A couple of weeks later, the telephone rings. It's my film agent: a couple of, yes, small independent production companies have expressed interest in the rights to Sidewalking. The money both are talking means that I'd have to hire the tuxedo rather than buy it, but both sound eager, interested and, most important of all, committed to the project. Negotiations are continuing, and excitement mounts in small increments.
Within a matter of months, a screenplay of my book may well be sitting, much like Harland Miller's and countless others, in a drawer gathering dust, hoping not to be part of the 97 per cent that never see the light of day.
Cautiously, my heart pounds against my ribcage, but it would be foolish to hold my breath.
Recently 'optioned' but will they make it onto the screen?
Ben Richards
Throwing the House Out Of the Window
(optioned 1996)
James Hawes
A White Merc With Fins
(optioned 1996)
William Sutcliffe
Are You Experienced?
(optioned 1997)
Toby Litt
Beatniks
(optioned 1997)
Meera Syal
Anita And Me
(optioned 1997)
Jonathan Coe
The House Of Sleep
(optioned 1997)
Emma Forrest
Namedropper
(optioned 1998)
Lisa Jewel
Ralph's Party
(optioned 1999)
Matt Thorne
Eight Minutes Idle
(optioned 1999)
Stuart David
Nalda Said
(optioned 1999)
• Sidewalking is published by Flame at £6.99
