Kitchenware
Nessie ladle
Emerging from a pot of soup with a charmingly sanguine expression, it’s the ladle that turns legend into plastic reality. There’s a whole family in fact – Mamma, Nessie and Baby – designed to satisfy all your colander, ladle and tea-infusing needs. totally-funky.co.uk, £29.99
Shakespeare insults tea towel
Have a classier argument over whose turn it is to wash up the turkey pan. The Globe’s snazzy tea towel is packed with putdowns from Shakespeare. Perfect for the cream-faced loon in your life. shakespearesglobe.com, £8
Death Star Fire Pit
Nothing beats grilling steaks and frying sausages to the sound of millions of voices crying out in terror. Custom-welded by a retired Korean war veteran in deepest New Mexico, it’s the hardest, scariest Christmas present ever. etsy.com, from £830.
Bake in Black: Music-Inspired Baking
Hard rock meets baking in 58 recipes by Eve and Dave O’Sullivan inspired by the likes of Pantera, the Deftones and Deep Purple. Prepare yourself for Ginger Baker Creams, Battenberg Out of Hell, not to mention Glazed and Confused doughnuts. thefloodgallery.com, £9.99
Cocaine and heroin salt and pepper shakers
David Shrigley wants to shake up your dinner party. His special condiments will have your dad living out his rock’n’roll fantasies and your nan popping round for a roast more often. davidshrigley.com, £130
Wardrobe
Drake Christmas jumper
Have yourself a solipsistic little Christmas in this top featuring hip-hop’s king of navel-gazing. For those who fail to see what the Drake has to do with the festive season, consider this: it’s almost impossible not to end up feeling sorry for yourself at some point over Christmas. etsy.com £19.99
Bon Iver jacket
Bon Iver’s luxe nylon/satin bomber jacket embroidered with runic symbols is perfect for the hipster seeking a soft and shiny way to signify emotional depth. boniver.org, £100
Game of Thrones sweatshirt
Winter’s not just coming – it’s here. So ditch the dodgy Westeros furs and don this fine piece instead. Not only will you win the Christmas jumper contest, you’ll own the last two direwolves in the kingdom. etsy.com, £19
Kurupt FM T-shirt
Brentford’s finest (and only) pirate radio station captured the nation’s heart this year, starring in BBC3 mockumentary People Just Do Nothing and playing garage anthems in nightclubs up and down the country. So channel your inner Chabuddy G with this “throw up your Ks” hand gesture T-shirt. iamkurupt.bigcartel.com, £20
Morecambe and Wise sunshine T-shirt
A silhouette of Eric and Ernie skipping away to Bring Me Sunshine? Just the thing for watching the duo’s festive special. sgtsmith.com, £23
Deadmau5 onesie
Got a relative who loves to large it? Well, Canadian EDM superstar Deadmau5’s “footed PJs” may be more warmly received than yet another Ministry of Sound CD. Available in his and hers, with the DJ’s signature mouse ears on the hood. deamau5.fanfire.com, £60
Accessories
Stranger Things tote bag
These days, you are what you wear on your tote. So for 2016, there’s no better choice than one paying homage to the hit sci-fi series Stranger Things. Wear with Barb’s Deirdre-style glasses for the full effect. etsy.com, £12
Father John Misty earrings
Celebrated for sneering at all things faux-bohemian, Father John Misty has now entered ironic merch territory, hoping these rose-quartz crystal earrings will give you the right “energy” this Christmas. fatherjohnmisty.merchline.com, £35
Starry Night socks
Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Night wasn’t a bad stab at a moonlit sky, but did he miss a trick by painting it on boring old canvas? Clearly, it looks better rendered in cotton and displayed on a calf. chicksrule.co.uk, £7.99
Woody Guthrie guitar badge
This gorgeous enamel badge is based on the guitar played by Woody Guthrie daubed with the words: “This machine kills fascists.” The great American folk revivalist would have loved its very dust-bowl-era price tag. vam.ac.uk/shop, £8.50
Stormtrooper knitted hat
A knitted, pointy hat used to be how you told the world you’d been to Peru in your gap year. Now you can merge your love of ear warmth with your passion for Star Wars cannon-fodder. Altogether now: “These are not the droids we’re looking for.” numskull.co.uk, £11
Miss Piggy clutch bag
Hai-yah! Need a present for a high-maintenance porcine? Well, help is at hand from the Muppets’ most stylish diva. Her new “Who moi?” collaboration with Kate Spade includes clutch, tote, key chain, phonecase and necklace. Mine! Mine! Mine! katespade.co.uk, from 1 December, starting at £35
Watercolour iPhone case
If Turner had had an iPhone, he would have probably have protected it with this case, made to look like a well-used tray of watercolour paints complete with stains, drips and a brush that needs a rinse. Just don’t put it down in an artist’s studio. etsy.com, £8
Something from the bar
New Order beer
Banish Blue Mondays with a Stray Dog, the craft beer from Manchester’s tipple-loving electronic rock behemoths. The drink is described by Moorhouse’s, the brewer behind it, as “refreshing and clean with hints of citrus fruit and lychee, balanced by a subtle bitterness”. Its head brewer was a Hacienda regular. moorhouses.co.uk, around £2
UB40 Red, Red, Wine
In 1983, UB40 sang: “Red, red wine / Goes to my head.” Clearly, such insight marked them out as top-level sommeliers. In a branding exercise that took 33 years too long, you can now drink their own vino – a Bordeaux Supérieur from 2014. eminent-life.com, £28.50
Homeware
St Rihanna prayer candle
The singer’s well-concealed saintliness is the crux of this gift. Though burn-time isn’t stated, it looks as if it will last a good few weeks, during which time Rihanna will glow beatifically, a surprisingly believable nun. etsy.com, £10
Alternative Music metallic gold print
More than 300 pivotal artists, producers, managers and record labels, all beautifully represented as a transistor radio circuit board. Impress friends and family by being able to tell your Black Flag from your White Stripes. wearedorothy.com, £35
Soundwaves print
Did you and your beloved first lock eyes to Smells Like Teen Spirit? Do you know a 16-year-old who swears that only Sia’s Chandelier can ease the pain of existence? Now you can frame that special piece of music by creating an image of its soundwaves. Any song or clip – cat’s meow, child’s giggle – will work. notonthehighstreet.com, from £30
Hip-hop coaster set
Love rap but hate all those annoying Cristal stains on your coffee table? Then choose six coasters from this set of 41. The selection skews toward the older Snoop Dogg end of the genre, and several stars bear only a passing resemblance to themselves, but the overall effect is fly. etsy.com, £8
Ancient sculpture book ends
Do you have 26 miles of art books that need supporting, or just a teetering pile of paperbacks? No matter – these bookends, inspired by the ancient Greek sculpture Marathon Boy, will lend a classical elegance to any library. culturelabel.com, £90
Tiny Arcade
A build-it-yourself arcade machine that will fit in the palm of your hand. Using just some tape and a screwdriver, you assemble this pint-size button-fest before loading it up with free open-source games, which you can even design yourself if you’re so inclined. thinkgeek.com, £40
Kids
Locomotion
The latest concertina book from Nobrow, which has already tackled dinosaurs, human flight and doomed sea voyages, tells the story of train travel on one side, with a magnificently chaotic tableaux of hissing engines on the other. nobrow.net, £10
Lego Yellow Submarine
Dive, dive, dive to Pepperland, as the Fab Four get the Lego treatment in this Yellow Submarine set that even comes with John’s telescope. All you need is … 553 bricks. Could Eleanor Brickby be next? lego.com, £49.99
Purple Rain suit for toddler
It’s never too early to introduce the next generation to Prince, and this scaled-down costume is an excellent first step. It’s made of polyester, so any scuff-marks arising from playground scraps over which of his albums was best are easily washed away. etsy.com, £100
Harry Potter curse pencils
A set of pencils inspired by some of the scariest curses in Harry Potter. Mind control: “Imperio!” Extreme pain: “Crucio!” Instant death: “Avada kedavra!” But beware: these spells could get you life in Azkaban. etsy.com, £3.50 for three
Stocking fillers
Pokéball bath bombs
End walking-into-lamppost misery and track down your favourite figures from the comfort of a scented bath instead. These bombs dissolve to leave you not just with essential oils and pink water, but also a small plastic fun figure. flowerfoxofsweden.com, £4.50
Clash of the Titians: Old Masters trump cards
Who brought more of the “beautiful factor”, Caravaggio or Canaletto? Who was more of a rebel, Leonardo or Gentileschi? Who gives you more bang for your buck, Bruegel or Bosch? Pit 32 artists against each other in the ultimate game of high-brow trump. laurenceking.com, £8.95
Cam’ron air freshener
New York rapper Cam’ron hasn’t released an album since 2011, but this air freshener – impregnated with the scent of Laffy Taffy candy – will keep your ride fragrant while he gets on with it. Intended to dangle from the rear-view mirror, it bears the legend “Hangin’ with the homies” under his sculpted features. dipsetusa.com, £8
Untranslatable Words card set
What does the Czech word litost mean? If someone from Portugal said they were feeling saudade, would you know how to react? These “perfect words from other languages” have been gathered together in a handsome set of flashcards to hold up silently when things get too much over the seasonal period. theschooloflife.com, £12
Books
The Art of Movement
The jetés, pliés and pirouettes of more than 70 dancers have been captured by photographers Ken Browar and Deborah Ory for this lavish collection. Subjects include Misty Copeland, Marcelo Gomes and stars from New York City Ballet. Comes with some frank dancer insights about “throwing your soul to the audience” night after night. blackdogandleventhal.com, £26
Modern Toss Mindless Violence Colouring Book
From the woman with a baseball bat setting about a businessman on a Segway to two guys scrapping in a pond as kids’ yachts sail past, Modern Toss show there’s still life in the comedy colouring book genre. moderntoss.com, £10.99
I-Spy guides
The spotters series has been reimagined by Sam Jordison. New titles include a Brexit era I-Spy the UK: While It Lasts (20 points for a leisure centre), a Pets one (40 for a dog on a trailer), as well as At the School Gate, subtitled My Mum’s Better Than Your Mum (20 for breeders, 40 for ravers). £4.99
Houses and Monuments of Pompeii
Brothers Fausto and Felice Niccolini produced the first accurate reproductions of Pompeii’s wall paintings using the then new technique of lithography in a series of mammoth volumes published in 19th-century Naples. Taschen resurrects their achievement in this sumptuous tome. £135
Seinfeldia
Subtitled How a Show About Nothing Changed Everything, Jennifer Keishin Armstrong’s behind-the-scenes book reveals the origins of all your favourite Seinfeld catchphrases and characters (the Soup Nazi!), as well as which episodes made Larry David angriest – and who the real Crazy Joe Davola is. £16.99
Bitten by Witch Fever: Wallpaper & Arsenic in the 19th-Century Home, by Lucinda Hawksley
A quirky book examining a killer in the Victorian home: the glorious wallpapers that were created using a toxic compound of arsenic and verdigris. The book’s title was a phrase coined by William Morris, owner of a highly profitable arsenic mine, who used it to poo-poo fears that people were being poisoned in their own homes. Lucinda Hawksley tells the story in chapters interleaved with fabulous designs. £28
