The first full-length Fifty Shades Darker trailer has just been released. Fifty Shades Darker, you’ll remember, is a film you won’t watch based on a book you haven’t read, that acts as a sequel to a film you haven’t watched based on a book your mum read once.
But fear not. Even though you know nothing of the film’s source material, I’ve compiled a scene-by-scene rundown of the Fifty Shades Darker trailer to get you up to speed. This is the rough story of the film, told in microcosm.
1. The trailer opens with a shot of Christian Grey. He’s worried about the direction this film is taking, because fireworks are such a painfully obvious metaphor for male ejaculation. But, still, he has bigger things on his mind. He may have won Anastasia over with all of his kinky fetishes, but he has a darker secret to divulge. For he has a hidden identity. By day, he is Christian Grey. But by night, he is …
2. Fey Batman, inadequate crimefighter.
3. “Did you hear that, Anastasia?” he asks. “I like to dress up like a rubbish Zorro. That’s sexy, isn’t it?” But Anastasia cannot answer, for she is too busy working on a particularly stubborn bar of Highland toffee.
4. Eventually Anastasia replies. As luck would have it, she also has a secret identity – Even Feyer Batman. She cut the mask out of her nan’s net curtain and everything. Truly, they are a match made in heaven.
5. To commemorate their newfound compatibility, Christian and Anastasia attend a fancy party. “Isn’t this too direct a rip-off of Eyes Wide Shut?” Anastasia whispers. “Yes. We never should have got rid of Sam Taylor-Johnson,” Christian replies. “She was the only good thing about this franchise,” chirps the irritating bowler-hatted fire-breather, but nobody hears him. Nobody ever hears him.
6. The next day, Anastasia opens a new exhibition based purely on photographs of herself. One second after opening the doors, she realises what a terrible mistake she’s made, which is why she looks so sad here.
7. Still, Christian finds it all too sexy for words. So, in a moment of spontaneous ardour, he takes off all his clothes, gets into the shower, turns the shower on, gets back out of the shower, towels himself off, puts all his clothes back on, drags Anastasia into the shower and dry-humps her. It seems a bit convoluted, especially when there’s presumably a bed only feet away from them, but if they’re happy then who am I to judge?
8. Loosened up, they next embark on what might be the most disgusting act of BDSM ever screened in public – putting on cable-knit sweaters, sailing a boat and smiling. Phwoar, eh? No wonder your mum loved this book so much.
9. But trouble lies ahead. There is a flare-up at work, and Anastasia bursts out of the Seattle Independent Press offices. “What do you mean you’re replacing my column with a bunch of funny dog gifs?” she yells. Her boss stutters: “We’re just trying to adjust to a difficult commercial environm–” “Hooey!” she screams. “This is the death of journalism! What next? Are you going to get a writer to screen-grab a trailer for a film he has no interest in seeing, and hope that one self-referential paragraph at the end makes up for his total lack of effort? Get real!”
10. And then the girl from The Ring eats her. The end.
