I'm often asked whether Norm is based on me. The short answer is no. I'm not fictional, I haven't appeared in The Beano or been translated into fifteen languages. The longer answer is also no. But inevitably there are bits of me somewhere in the mix. I'm in touch with my inner child. Well, I say "in touch." We occasionally message each other on Facebook. I know what they mean though.
Did I think everything was unfair when I was nearly 13, like Norm does? Well of course I did. Who doesn't? That's the whole point of Norm. He's a universal character. A perfectly normal kid who gets irritated by pretty much everything. Especially his two little brothers. I've done my research. I had three sons of my own, solely so that I could study them as they grew up. And I see literally thousands of children at school events and festivals every year. The vast majority of teens can relate to Norm in one way or another. And if they say they can't, they're wrong. So here – in a strictly no particular random order – is my rather nattily titled list of Top 10 unfair things in books. (Warning: may contain a couple of things that aren't actually books.)
1. Peanuts by Charles M Schulz
When Lucy tees the ball up for Charlie Brown to kick and then whips it out of the way at the last possible moment and Charlie Brown flies into the air and says 'Good grief' in loads of Peanuts strips. Not to mention the kite-eating tree. Or the little red-haired girl. Or pretty much anything else in Charlie Brown's melancholic, melon-headed world.
2. Farmer Duck by Martin Waddell
Poor old Farmer Duck, toiling all day long while the farmer – who's so lazy he can't even be bothered to take his cap off – lolls about in bed all day, gorging himself on chocolates. And if that's not unfair I'd like to know what is. George Orwell basically ripped this idea off years later in Animal Farm. (Not really. That was a joke).
3.The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by CS Lewis
Children's books are littered with instances of characters who no one believes. The first one that springs to mind is Lucy, off of The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, who's roundly ridiculed by her siblings when she starts relating her furniture-based escapades. Pretty radical back in the day. Remember, this was way before Ikea.
4. Holes by Louis Sachar
As if being wrongly accused of stealing a pair of trainers isn't bad enough, Stanley Yelnats is sent to the Camp Green Lake Juvenile Correctional Facility, where he spends his days digging perfectly proportioned holes in the full glare of the searing desert sun with only scorpions, tarantulas, rattlesnakes and yellow-spotted lizards for company. Oh and Mr Sir – a warden who makes Mr Mackay from Porridge look like Michael Palin. Unfair? You bet your sweet bottom it's unfair.
5. Dark Lord: The Teenage Years by Jamie Thomson
Imagine being an evil Dark Lord. I mean a really evil Dark Lord. With evil powers and everything. Now imagine being cast down to earth from wherever Dark Lords come from and ending up in a Tesco's car park. (Other car parks are available) To add further insult to injury, imagine being "reborn" in the aforementioned car park, as a raspy-voiced, calorifically-challenged 13-year old-kid called Dirk Lloyd. You'd feel pretty hard done by, wouldn't you? And probably quite cross too.
6. Wile E Coyote by Warner Bros
What could be more unfair than being doomed to a lifetime of pursuing your arch nemesis with no apparent possibility of ever catching him/her? Such is the fate of one of the greatest cartoon characters ever created, namely, Wile E Coyote. No matter how ingenious his plans, no matter what unlikely gadgetry magically appears from The Acme Corporation, the hapless animated critter just can't seem to get his hands on that pesky Road Runner with its annoying catchphrase of "Beep beep." Except once, when he eventually does. Kind of. But we'll gloss over that for the purposes of this list.
7. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
In the ultimate reality show, there's only one rule. Kill or be killed. It's so unfair. Especially as 16-year-old Jennifer Lawrence – sorry, Katniss Everdeen was planning to meet her mates in the mall and go for a pizza. Or something. Sorry, I'm just a bit bitter because I actually had an idea for a book a few years ago, about "the ultimate reality show" but I just never got round to writing it. Oh well. That'll learn me.
8. Cinderella by Lots of People
A story quite literally as old as the hills. Cinderella – the archetypal rags to riches story. The poor, downtrodden girl whose only wish was to go to the ball. And let's face it – we've all wanted to go to the ball at some stage, haven't we? Metaphorically speaking of course. Well, unless you've wanted to go to an actual ball. I don't know. No idea what the glass slippers or the pumpkin coach is all about either by the way. Or the men dressed as "ugly sisters". Hey look, just because I'm a writer doesn't mean I'm an expert in this stuff.
9. Matilda by Roald Dahl
When it comes to being treated unfairly, Matilda Wormwood has been there, done that and got the proverbial t-shirt. Well, she would have got the t-shirt, except Miss Trunchbull - a headmistress who makes Mr. Sir from Holes look like Alan Bennet – and who wreaks revenge on her pupils for the mildest of misdemeanours - would have probably confiscated it. Just as well then for the fragrant Miss Honey. And for Matilda's special powers of course. They always come in handy.
10. The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien
Last but by no means least unfair – or even most unfair for that matter (remember this is a completely random list) we come to Bilbo Baggins, an unremarkable hobbit, leading an unremarkable life somewhere in New Zealand. And that's just the way he likes it. Until one day a wizard turns up on his hobbity doorstep and somehow persuades him to set out with a bunch of militant dwarves on a quest to nick a load of treasure from under the fiery nose of a dragon – short-tempered even by dragon standards. And that's how they all end up in Morden. Although to be fair, I might have just made that last bit up.
• You can buy Jonathan Meres' latest book The World of Norm: May Need Rebooting from the Guardian bookshop
