As part of a series of self-help volumes he edited, Alain de Botton has written a self-help book about sex – he wrote for us about the concept of "self-help" here. In his new book, de Botton helps us navigate the intimate and exciting – yet often confusing and difficult – experience that is sex. The publisher says of the book:
Few of us tend to feel we're entirely normal when it comes to sex, and what we're supposed to be feeling rarely matches up with the reality. This book argues that 21st-century sex is ultimately fated to be a balancing act between love and desire, and adventure and commitment. Covering topics that include lust, fetishism, adultery and pornography, de Botton frankly articulates the dilemmas of modern sexuality, offering insights and consolation to help us think more deeply and wisely about the sex we are, or aren't, having.
• Alain De Botton will be on hand to discuss these topics with Comment is free readers from 12pm to 1pm (UK time). You will be able to start posting your questions below at 11.30am]
JessicaReed asks:
My question: what are your thoughts on this 50 shades of grey phenomena? (if you have any that is)
Alain de Botton replies:
It's become a socially acceptable way for people to talk about their interest in sex. Unfortunately, it would be so much better if the book itself were cleverer about desire.
philstyle asks:
Not all nudes are porn, and not all porn is nude. Discuss.
Alain de Botton replies:
Ideally, porn would excite our lust in contexts which also presented other, elevated sides of human nature – in which people were being witty, for instance, or showing kindness, or working hard or being clever – so that our sexual excitement could bleed into, and enhance our respect for these other elements of a good life. No longer would sexuality have to be lumped together with stupidity, brutishness, earnestness and exploitation; it could instead be harnessed to what is noblest in us.
dogcatcher asks:
Has the increase in the availability and consumption of pronography changed the way people have sex?
Alain de Botton replies:
It's probably changed the amount people have sex (less) - and it's changed the relationship between fantasy and reality. What was once fantasy has become a lot more real seeming, with challenges to real real life.
MaryTracy9 asks:
My heartfelt questions to Alain de Botton are: has he heard of "women"? Judging by his use of words such as "mankind" and the universality of the male pronoun, not to mention his inability to refer to the words of a single woman, I'm beginning to doubt the has. In which case, what could he possibly have to say about human sexuality, when he's not remotely acquainted with how half of the species thinks and feels?
My second question would be: what is his opinion on mindfulness and human sexuality?
Alain de Botton replies:
I'm sorry you're feeling that I've not taken sufficient account of female experience - and would be delighted to learn more about what I might have missed.
To compound my error, I don't know anything about mindfulness in the context of sex.
NaomiMc asks:
Do you take a gendered approach to sex? Does your analysis include the different approached to sex by men and women, including men who have sex with men, women with women etc ad infinitum. Particularly if you are debating porn, the different ways men and women consume pornography or are impacted by it has to be addressed.
Of course you cannot generalise about all women's or all men's experience of sex, but neither can you assume that sex is not affected by gendered social norms and constructs around sexuality and shame.
Alain de Botton replies:
You tell us more about gender... I'd love to hear your thoughts.
MakeMPsOwnUp asks:
Another question for Alain de Botton, is the definition of pornography culturally determined? Do other societies contemporary or historical have widely varying definitions?
Alain de Botton replies:
Culture plays a huge role in directing our attention to things that are valuable or, in this case, attractive.
The real problem with current pornography is that it's so far removed from all the other concerns which a reasonably sensible, moral, kind and ambitious person might have. As currently constituted, pornography asks that we leave behind our ethics, our aesthetic sense and our intelligence when we contemplate it.
Yet it is possible to conceive of a version of pornography which wouldn't force us to make such a stark choice between sex and virtue – a pornography in which sexual desire would be invited to support, rather than permitted to undermine, our higher values.
gogogogogol asks:
How could it be 'cleverer about desire'?
(And in more general terms, how might we all be cleverer about desire?)
Alain de Botton replies:
Erotica realises there is a problem with porn and locates the issue in explicitness. If only porn were less explicit - the argument seems to run - then it would be OK. One might start from a different point of view. Explicitness is fine, the issue is what it's in the name of, where it's pointing us too, what it's attempting to excite us about.
AnotherAngel asks:
Why does it have to be so complicated. The majority of us dont need a guide on how to feel about sex, we just look for a partner we trust enough to share the experience with a go with that. It doesnt have to involve an extensive discussion disecting and analyzing the process and our reaction to it.
We do it because its hardwired into most of us to want it and like many human endeavours it can be mindblowingly wonderful, go horribly wrong, or for the most part be something pretty nice that we like to do when we've got the time, energy, and willing partner.
Alain de Botton replies:
Your approach (why does x have to be so complicated?) can stretch across the great questions of life:
- why does growing up have to be so complicated?
- why do careers have to be so complicated?
- why does raising children have to be so complicated?
- why does dying have to be so complicated?
A great many people find these things completely simple - but occasionally we do hit problems we can't quite solve with 'common-sense'.
AndyJBodle asks:
Does Mr (de) B not find that the nascent science of evolutionary psychology is a useful tool for elucidating many of these mysteries? I've been reading up on it (not in an academic context) for four years now and it seems to explain satisfactorily, among other things:
- why women are more interested in a partner's earning capability than men
- why it's nearly always men who propose
- why it's easier to get a girlfriend when you've already got one (mate copying)
- what beauty is (youth/signs of fertility + symmetry + "averageness")
- why height, a sense of humour, power, strength, and large breasts are attractive
- why some women (and to a lesser extent men) love partners who treat them badly
- what "chemistry" is (major histocompatibility complexes)
Alain de Botton replies:
I find evolutionary biology both very persuasive and 'true'. And at the same time, quite boring. It doesn't really explain things at the psychological level I care about. To be told that two people have gone out on a date 'as part of an unconscious drive to reproduce the species' is about the least thing interesting thing about the evening.
Dogcatcher asks:
So you are saying that the narratives and values in porn are becoming more prominant in real life/society?
and i take it you say people are having sex less because they can sex themselves at home in front of the computer, (when they are not distracted from impending deadlines by this website).
ok, im finishing up a degree with a lot of feminism involved (ducks missile) and one thing ive always wondered is, (in your opinion) does porn increase the likelyhood of the viewer becoming a rapist, or flasher, or does it quash his desire?
i know this might be deviating from your topic but i imagine you have a good answer
Alain de Botton replies:
I think porn marginally (and really only marginally) increases the dangers of people acting out fantasies. 99% of people won't, but a very few will.
Benulek asks:
Who needs self-help, when the Guardian will give you all the help you need? Discuss.
Alain de Botton replies:
There is a commercial exercise here, but if you take that notion apart, really what's going on is one person presenting another with something they hope they'll like - and you can take it or leave it.
MakeMPsOwnUp asks:
Why then do some groups (the Daily Mail and band-wagoning David Cameron most recently) want to prevent one method of access to it?
Alain de Botton replies:
It is perhaps only people who haven't felt the full power of sex over their logical selves who can remain uncensorious and liberally 'modern' on the subject. Philosophies of sexual liberation appeal mostly to people who don't have anything too destructive or weird that that they wish to do once they have been liberated.
However, anyone who has experienced the power of sex in general and internet pornography in particular to reroute our priorities is unlikely to be so sanguine about liberty. Pornography, like alcohol and drugs, weakens our ability to endure the kinds of suffering that are necessary for us to direct our lives properly. In particular, it reduces our capacity to tolerate those two ambiguous goods, anxiety and boredom. Our anxious moods are genuine but confused signals that something is amiss, and so they need to be listened to and patiently interpreted – which is unlikely to happen when we have to hand one of the most powerful tools of distraction ever invented. The entire internet is in a sense pornographic, it is a deliverer of constant excitement which we have no innate capacity to resist, a system which leads us down paths many of which have nothing to do with our real needs. Furthermore, pornography weakens our tolerance for the kind of boredom which is vital to give our minds the space in which good ideas can emerge, the sort of creative boredom we experience in a bath or on a long train journey. It is at moments when we feel an irresistible desire to escape from ourselves that we can be sure that there is something important we need to bring to consciousness – and yet it is precisely at such pregnant moments that internet pornography has a habit of exerting its maddening pull, thereby helping us to destroy our future.
fingsaint asks:
I'd like to ask Alain de Botton, if it's not too late (or do I mean forward) whether getting into a position of pontification is sexually satisfying - and do staff highlights heighten the pleasure?
Alain de Botton replies:
Sexually satisfying? No, there's very little connection between answering questions on the Guardian blog and having sex.
unexceptional asks:
Hello Mr de Botton,
Why do we have sexual shyness?
There's clearly a cultural aspect to it, but there doesn't really appear to be any common thread running through people who struggle to ask people on dates and the like. There wouldn't seem to be any justification in evolutionary biology for this - surely we'd just be focused on bumping uglies, and hang the consequences - so why are fears of rejection of emotional exposure strong enough to ruin confidence and overpower desire?
Thanks.
Alain de Botton replies:
We're shy perhaps out of a very wise awareness that burdening anyone with our being is rather a demand to make. Shyness is in this sense ethical, an awareness of how unwanted one might be - which also explains the joy and eroticism if finally someone does accept us.
flibbb asks:
Alain,
Do you watch pornography frequently? I'm no connoisseur but it's always interesting to find out what sort of flavours other people are into.
Alain de Botton replies:
I'll let you know when we meet.
Alain de Botton concludes:
Thanks to the Guardian for allowing this conversation to take place - and to everyone for taking part. Any unanswered issues, feel free to contact me at www.alaindebotton.com
