Age: 36.

Appearance: All over WH Smith, Waterstone's, Amazon …

Aha! The famous chef! Got it in one.

Oh no I haven't. I've just begun narrowing it down. Is this the one who likes to swear? That's Gordon Ramsay.

The one who wishes he was a scientist? Heston Blumenthal.

The bosomy one who keeps licking – Nigella Lawson!

Then it must be the irritating mockney with a thing about school dinners. At last!

So why are we talking about him today? Because his new recipe collection is top of the bestsellers list. According to Nielsen BookScan, Jamie's Great Britain is ahead of good old Guinness World Records and the novelty title Where's the Meerkat?, to say nothing of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's River Cottage Veg Every Day.

Pukka, as Jamie might say. He might, or he might just yawn. After all, this is his fourth Christmas No 1, after Jamie's 30-Minute Meals in 2010, Jamie's Italy in 2005 and Happy Days with the Naked Chef in 2001.

Ah yes, that Naked Chef business. Is it a good idea? You wouldn't catch me deep-frying potato croquettes without even an apron. Imagine if you splashed hot fat all over your – Stop! He was never actually nude. It was just a bit of marketing rubbish from the BBC – a reference to his no-nonsense cooking style.

No-nonsense? Isn't this the bloke who called his kids Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po? Don't be silly! They're Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, Petal Blossom and Buddy Bear.

Really? Really.

You'd think social services would step in. But back to the book: what's Jamie's Great Britain about? As the title suggests, "the essence of British food, done properly".

No, you're forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. Which is?

Being forced to spend money on people you don't like. Ah yes. In that case, it's about a tenner.

Do say: "I saw this and thought of you."

Don't say: "I saw this and thought, 'That'll do.'"