Radio 3 is introducing swearwords into its adaptation of Wuthering Heights to give the book a more contemporary feel. Great idea. Why not apply the same treatment to the first lines of other classics:

A Tale of Two Cities: "It was the best of times, it was the time when everything was totally, like, crap."

Ulysses: "Stately, porker Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of cocaine on which a mirror and a razor blade lay crossed."

Anna Karenina: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is fucked up in its own way."

The Portrait of a Lady: "Under certain circumstances there are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as a top afternoon shag."

Sons and Lovers: "'The Arses' succeeded to 'Shit Hole Row'."

Moby Dick: "Who the fuck are you calling Ishmael, pal?"