Age: Seven.

Appearance: Buffy, with cold showers.

Something to do with a film, isn't it? I keep seeing posters. How observant of you. Yes, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse opens across Britain on Friday.

Is it about astronomy? Script by Patrick Moore, music by Brian May, romantic lead Bernard Cribbins, perhaps bringing his telescope from Doctor Who? That's exactly it, apart from the fact that none of them have anything to with it and it's about vampires.

As in bats? Script by David Attenborough . . . As in bloodsucking demons, foul seducers of defenceless virgins. Mind you, some of these vampires are rather sweet, and the virgins won't do anything without a ring on their finger. This is "abstinence porn", according to Bitch magazine.

Reminds me of Harry Potter's mixed boarding school where no one gets pregnant. Who came up with this nonsense? An American Mormon called Stephenie Meyer. It was 2003, her hopes of being a writer were crumbling, and then she had a dream.

Of making oodles of money? Of two people "having an intense conversation in a meadow in the woods. One of these people was just your average girl. The other person was fantastically beautiful, sparkly and a vampire."

Sparkly? It gets better: a) "they were falling in love with each other" and b) the vampire "was having a difficult time restraining himself from killing her".

And the kids like this? They certainly do. Meyer's four Twilight novels have sold more than 100m copies. The new film took $69m on its first day in the US, and Robert Pattinson, who plays toothy Edward Cullen, apparently has the most kissed waxwork at Madame Tussaud's. Devotees are known as Twi-hards.

Is there any hope for civilisation? This third film in the franchise is actually doing slightly worse than the second. Better still . . .

Yes? Those Twi-hards aren't likely to breed.

Do say: "Let's sit in the front row! And take a chaperone!"

Don't say: "Is that garlic in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?"