How much I weigh is none of your business. I'll talk about being fat, but that number, you don't need it.
Hollywood is 30 square miles surrounded by reality. It's an industry based on froth, cheap dreams and fantasies that we can sell you for 15 bucks. That being said, if you can keep your nose clean and navigate those waters, it's the best job in the world. Unfortunately there are a bunch of dicks in my line of work that make it so tawdry.
Money doesn't make you happy, but it does buy ease. Can I just pay somebody to mow the lawn because I don't want to do it any more?
I have a tattoo of the Mad Hatter. I got that after we shot Clerks. I'd broken up with a girl and was feeling blue so I was drinking a lot of boxed Zinfandel. My friend was like: "That's awesome, man – why did you get it?" I said: "Because I'm always late, right?" He goes: "That's the White Rabbit." So I have the Mad Hatter on my arm and it has no significance whatsoever, except to remind me not to drink wine out of a box.
The only movie I've ever walked out of is The Flintstones. That's saying a lot, because I've sat through some utter shit.
The only threesomes I've been in have never been instigated by me. One person is work enough. Two people, that's ridiculous. Me being fat and lazy, I'm more of a watcher at that point.
Being funny gets you a lot of places, dude.
I own Ben Affleck's old house. I am not Ben Affleck-rich but I am a sultan compared to who I ever expected to be. My father made less than $30,000 a year as a postal clerk. It was soul killing, but he had to support his family.
The other day when I was getting my hair cut the girl said: "You know, there are people doing hair transplants now that are really good?" Look at the rest of me! That's like putting a Band-Aid on cancer.
Bruce Willis is probably the most intimidating actor I've worked with. I find him – and I don't mean this in an insulting way – undirectable. He has all sorts of range, but what he's predominantly known for is playing the guy who holds his gun down by his side and saves people. How do you tell Bruce Willis to be Bruce Willis?
Playboy asked me to shoot an erotic image. I said I'd like to photograph my wife. They were like: "Oh… " You could hear it in their voices: "We put really hot chicks in Playboy and we've seen you. No way you've got a hot wife." So I sent them a picture and it was fine.
If I go to the mall, maybe five people throughout the day will recognise me. That's totally manageable. Without those cats I haven't got a house to live in.
My taste buds don't run to anything remotely good for me. The most I ever took off on the Atkins diet was maybe 50lb, but you feel like you're going to have a heart attack because you're eating so much meat and cheese.
I gave up cigarettes about a year ago. I just started smoking so much marijuana that I had no time for cigarettes. That's way better.
The last thing I wanted that I couldn't have? A day off. It's a lot of work being a fat clown.
Shooting the Sh*t with Kevin Smith is published by Titan Books, £9.99
