Fresh out of the oven ... a cupcake. Photograph: Getty
Gosh, how awfully exciting. Today those jolly people at Penguin are bringing out The Great Big Glorious Book for Girls. Apparently, it's " ... an irresistible celebration of girlhood, exquisitely illustrated, deliciously packaged and packed with exciting things to keep every girl, from eight to 80, entertained throughout the years ... It will take women back to a time when we made cup cakes with our grandmothers and a campfire with our friends, we played hopscotch, and domestic crafts were celebrated."
Ripping! Better darn these socks, check my latest batch of fudge has set and cycle down to Mrs Squiggley's book emporium to get a copy.
Ooh, here it is. It's so very lovely and purple and big and, well, glorious. Let's see what I can learn. Hmmm, the first chapter is on needlecraft. It seems that the advent of some dastardly thing called "feminism" is the reason modern girls can't do "fiddly things with yarn". Thank goodness the book's authors, Rosemary Davidson and Sarah Vine, can explain the finer points of embroidery.
Rosemary, it says, is "the outdoorsy type". She knows "which way is up on a sheep" because she grew up in the countryside in Northern Ireland with her three sisters - apparently in a magic bubble that horrid things like sectarian violence couldn't penetrate. Sarah comes from Italy. She makes excellent fairy cakes. She is such a townie that she is "hopeless when it comes to nature". She even has AstroTurf in her garden. Cripes!
And those rotter women's lib types should take note. Rosemary and Sarah say that a love of coconut ice and pom poms doesn't render girls unequal to boys. No. They're definitely not trading on tired gender stereotypes in the name of twee nostalgia. Look it says so right here: " ... being able to sew a button back on your coat doesn't mean you can't also become prime minister." Smashing!
What's more, in between chapters on cooking, make-up, crafts, perfume making, hair care, ponies, parties, recreating a spa at home, fortune telling and one called "Things Every Girl Should Know" (essential life skills like how to ask for the loo in German, deal with ladders in your tights and sulking) there are some rather boisterous suggestions.
Some girls, it seems, climb trees. Others can throw and catch things. There are even those who shoot with a gun. Rather! But all us girlies need to remember that "shooting is not necessarily about killing things" - although "a gun can be lethal". Blimey, I need to write all this down. Where's my lilac-scented homemade paper notebook decorated with pressed flowers?
There are also lists of "inspirational women" - like Emmeline Pankhurst, Virginia Woolf, Marie Curie and Boudicca. "Firebrand" Emmeline was dashed annoyed that women couldn't vote. Virginia was a bit of a writer. Marie isolated polonium and radium. Boudicca liked killing people and "famously had long red hair and piercing eyes". I'm sure these good sorts are all smiling down on Rosemary and Sarah from their knitting circle in the sky.
But the best bit in this simply marvellous book, is what it tells you about boys: "The main difference between boys and girls is that boys like doing things - driving cars, playing football, throwing stuff, eating, farting, etc - and girls like feeling things - love, friendship, happiness, excitement etc." Phew! Glad that's that sorted! I'll just let my boy go about driving and farting while I talk feelings with friends.
Can't these writers find something else to tell girls about? Maybe even, dare I suggest it, something relevant to the 21st century?
OK, cheerio! I'm off to make "yummy, scrummy on my tummy chocolate body scrub" and then ram crochet hooks in my eyes.
