Gordon Brown: 'Your features like those of a deep-thinking bream' ... Photograph: Tom Stoddart/Getty

We welcome you, Gordon, as the waters of Blair Recede into history's fast-flowing stream And you leap from the torrent with perma-slicked hair; Your features like those of a deep-thinking bream. A decade's a long time to wait by the pool But now you're new liquid come down from the skies, Sparkling, splashing; so fresh and so cool: Brown water come gushing to soak up the prize. But all I can say from this boat is Watch Out: Nobody knows when the bank's going to burst, Nobody knows when the culvert will spout. Nobody quite knows which fallpipe is cursed.

So Gordon, repeat this again and again: Remember Brown water ends up down the drain ...