The first film version of Paradise Lost has been announced. Now read on:
Of Hollywood's
great hubris, and that zeal
To make big bucks where bold
Mel Gibson once
With holy film the golden jackpot struck,
Sing, Heav'nly Muse! For it is here that I
Invoke thy aid to my adventurous song.
A film of Milton's epic verse, the loss
Of Paradise? What mad ambition that?
Thing unattempted yet on film or DVD.
For, lo, Jehovah made the movie-world
a place
Of unpretentious entertainment sweet,
A heav'n of romcoms, action, honest
filth.
Beware the Bible's sulph'rous
deadly lure,
The hope of prestige, Oscars and the
rest!
Box-office hell and massive losses dire
Awaits that mad and foolish mortal who
From Elysium's glade of profit shall be
Cast out! There was a woman once
called EVE,
A pleasing helpmeet to a producer
Whom God called ADAM ; and
endowed this man
With reas'ning faculties and vital mind
To cast aside the Bible's specious charm.
On one bright morning ADAM turned
to EVE
And thus he spake: "I must go out,
and you
Will hold the fort. Do not let writers in
Who speak of Bible themes!" "No,
ADAM, no!"
Said sweet submissive EVE, but once
he'd left
The foul and black-clad tempter then
showed up
Replendent in his snakeskin suit and
glozing charm.
SATAN it was, that dire and hateful fiend
Who filled EVE's mind with impure
thoughts of books,
Of English lit'rature - & thus he spake:
"Milton was blind you know, it's
really sad."
"You mean like Ray?" "No, not Ray
Charles," he snapped,
But then did check himself, the better to
Resume his dark Insinuations vile.
"Thou shalt have honour and renown
if thou
Dost make a movie of Paradise Lost!"
"Oh yes!" cried EVE, quite o'errun
with pride
And dreams of ceremonies yet to come.
She signed on dotted line, and how
the earth
Did shake and groan with fear and
trembling shock
At this financial commitment so rash.
ADAM returned and saw that EVE
was sham'd
He saw the contract and did sob
and moan:
"What hast thou done?" he groaned
and shook his head.
But EVE described the Oscars they
would get
And ADAM then became excited too,
And countersigned, and then did take
EVE to
A sordid hotel room to celebrate
The glory of upcoming fame and wealth
But afterwards the hangover was dire
And GOD appeared to them in
stormy mood:
"What hast thou done?" he thundered,
"Knowst thou not
Religious films are high-risk stuff and as
For poems! Poems! Do me a favour, son.
Who've you got for SATAN? Robin
Williams?
Or Johnny Depp? Mayhap some
smarmy Brit?
And who'll be playing Me? That James
Earl Jones?
You can't afford these people, you've
no cash!"
"Yes we have," said ADAM bold, "for
Milton's
Out of copyright!" "Oh well, fine,"
said GOD
"But just one thing. Can we please have the dialogue in prose? Because this
whole poetic thing is really starting to tick me off." "Copy that, dude,"
said Adam. "Did you eat yet?"
