ENGLAND UNITED
After settling down to watch The Office re-runs last night, the Fiver thought it had seen the last of leading personalities uttering illogical drivel. The Fiver was wrong. At today's standard come-and-listen-to-the-England-squad-drone-on-and-on press event, the manager and his star striker unleashed their new approach on the bamboozled media: talk complete and utter nonsense. And, boy, they were good at it.
Reacting to Terry Butcher's criticism of David Beckham, Sven-Goran Eriksson somehow resisted the opportunity to outline Butcher's outstanding managerial record at, erm, Motherwell. Instead he gave his captain his everlasting blessing, using syntax that could send Lynne Truss to the funny farm. "I don't know if it is a strength of my management - to be loyal, why not do that?," he pondered. "But that is not the same as saying if you are playing the worst on the pitch you should not play and I don't have problems with that." Eh?
'Lil Mickey Owen then did his bit for England's grammar deficiency group: "If we drew or got beaten," he stammered, "then I would still have the utmost belief that we could progress to the World Cup. We've started off far worse in other competitions." Far worse than a possible one point from two games? "It's a very important game to get three points. Four points would not be a bad return. A point is not perfect but we could take positives from the game."
Not content with producing a record number of contradictory statements in ten seconds, Owen paid a statistically inaccurate tribute to his coach. "Sven stands up to any manager you could put in front of me. His record stands up in black and white." While the Fiver wondered if this fact was available in technicolor, the duo rejoined the rest of the squad for some consoling hugs.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Be well. Be safe. Believe" - The slogan of David Ginola's new retreat for poorly celebrities in a secret Wiltshire location. Peace out, dog.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CRAZY HIGH-SPEED POLICE PURSUITS FROM HELL XI
Imagine the dilemma: it's 4am, you're weaving your way home, minding your own business; that business being slightly the worse for wear. A BMW X5 speeds past you. Unremarkable. It's being driven by David Beckham. Noteworthy. It's being pursued by dozens of police cars. Sirens and everything. Now, what do you do first? Douse yourself in icy water and start a faintly masochistic pinching frenzy, or call The Sun?
Such was the predicament facing Bucharest's revellers last week, as national sporting God Adrian Mutu attempted to bring Crazy Taxi to life in the city's streets. After refusing to pull over for speeding, it took a barrier of back-up cars to stop him. Being a pout-lipped petulant, he still wouldn't show his ID. But given that he's the most famous Romanian behind the Cheeky Girls, that didn't stop him getting a three-month ban and a fine.
And if it isn't bad enough that he'll have to spend a full four and a half minutes' wages clearing the mess up, one of Romania's leading psychiatrists has now suggested, very publicly, that they have a little talk. "He is not mentally sick," said Dr Florin Tudose, hesitating momentarily before delivering the real sucker: "He is very puerile and despite being 25 he behaves as if he were much younger."
"He's like a child who demands to have what he wants immediately," he continued, as Adrian stamped his feet and threatened to scweam and scweam until he was sthick if he didn't pipe down. According to the Doc, it'll take three hours of treatment a week for Mutu to get over his "serious personality and maturity issues". How many hours it'll take to turn him into a decent Premiership footballer... etc., and so on.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Andy Reid will finally take his educated left peg into the Premiership in January, although we - and probably he - have no idea exactly where.
Jose Mourinho has pulled himself away from the mirror to flutter his eyelashes at Carlton Cole and assure him they could have a beautiful future together down the King's Road.
Malky Mackay will be sent to Coventry. From Norwich.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Mark Hughes has played down speculation linking him with the Blackburn job - without actually saying whether he wants it or not.
Damien Duff should be fit to run head-down with deadly intent for Ireland in Switzerland tomorrow.
Real Madrid midfielder Santi Solari reckons he almost went to Old Trafford in the summer. Well, it's not like they've already got 44 good-but-not-world-class-not-now-not-ever midfielders, is it?
Two years ago Matt Jansen nearly made England's World Cup squad; now he's been blown out by Sheffield United.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Argentinian Football (3.35am)
Trevor Tutu had today's Lucky Escape, although we had to chop the rambling preamble about Bob Marley and American ladies for space reasons. Fasten your seatbelts, etc.
US Major League Soccer (4.25am)
"It being around 4am [after leaving said ladies cooing about how romantic the English are], I decided to see if the legend that held that traffic lights were properly synchronised, and that it was possible to drive at 90mph and catch them all.
Sky Sports 1: Football Asia (4.30pm & 11.30pm)
"To my amazement this urban legend was proving to be true, and halfway down the road I managed this fabled feat: catching all the lights, and not pausing for one moment.
International Football Live: Poland U-21 v England U-21 (5.30pm)
"Two sets of lights further up, there was a minivan with members of the SPG in it.
International Football Live: Scotland U-21 v Slovenia U-21 (7.30pm)
"They started into the intersection, and then made me out. I stomped on the brakes, and pulled the handbrake up too. This allowed me to slow down sufficiently to avoid them and turn the corner.
Radio 5: Sport on 5 (7pm)
"I drove briskly into South Ken [sington, for those of you who aren't darling Londonders]. They were following, but not very close behind me at that point. I turned into a quiet street and parked the car. I got out and hid myself underneath the car.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"They duly arrived at the car and looked around the area, but I stayed in my hidey hole. They left after half an hour.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"I slept at my station until I could safely come out." There's a moral in that story, kids: stay with the American ladies. But before you do that, send your Lucky Escapes to the.boss@theguardian.com. There isn't long left.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE DRINK MORE THAN TWO OF THOSE
