Once upon a time, in a land far, far away ... OK, hold it right there. A land far, far away? You mean heaven, or Bethlehem, or the cultish landscape that exists inside your head, more like.

Eh? I was about to read from CS Lewis's legendary children's series, The Chronicles of Narnia. Well, think again, buster. Publisher HarperCollins wants them rejigged to lose their saddo Christian content.

Uh? What Christian content? Try Aslan dying at the white witch's hand so that the sins of Narnia may be forgiven. You know, Aslan, "the son of the Emperor over the Sea". Geddit?

But Aslan is a lion. Sigh. Have you never heard of subtext? Voyage of the Dawn Treader, final chapter: Aslan tells Edmund and Lucy that they are too old for Narnia and must learn to see him in their own world, where "I have another name".

Michael Heseltine, right? No, you dummy, Jesus Christ. Aslan is a drippy Christian allegory. Edmund, the Judas, betrays him to the witch for a tub of Turkish delight, and the whole thing is a lesson in redemption.

Hang on a minute. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, The Magician's Nephew and Prince Caspian are some of the greatest children's books of all time. OK, but with the dashingly pagan Harry Potter ruling the field, would you risk putting your money on a thinly veiled sermon?

But the Narnia books have sold more than 65m copies in 30 languages. Which is why, after tweaking, the publishers want them reproduced. "This is the biggie as far as our publishing interests are concerned," read one leaked email. "We'll need to be able to give emphatic assurances that no attempt will be made to correlate the stories to Christian imagery/theology."

What do CS Lewis fans say? "They're turning Narnia into a British version of Mickey Mouse."

That's outrageous. I know. I heard Mickey Mouse was a communist.