As the band remind us from the stage, they are the only group to have their first five British singles enter the chart at number one. Before Christmas, Bob the Builder kept their sixth from reaching the top slot, but their grip has proved unshakable. Westlife have returned with three Brit nominations and their first ever tour, which for the casual bystander feels like being hit by an enormous crate of sugar falling from the sky.

Their female - screaming - audience at Manchester Arena bears all the tell-tale signs of ravages. Some have placards proclaiming love for band members, most wear flashing horns that make them look like little devils. It's like dying and going to hell, only to discover that the devil has a few of the best tunes, but that they're all performed by a band that has made the worst bits of the Osmonds the biggest influence on British pop.

The oddest thing is that, despite their run of hits, Westlife's blockbusters haven't exactly lodged in the memory like Take That's chart-toppers. This is underlined by the eyebrow-raising amount of covers. Buttock-clenchingly "sincere" on their own songs, they relate to others like schoolchildren reading Latin - Terry Jacks's suicide anthem Seasons in the Sun is "interpreted" by grins.

Mark and Shane can certainly sing, although, taking no chances, the band's voices are bolstered by banks of squeaking keyboards. Despite the big production (dancers, videos, aliens) Westlife themselves are reassuringly human. Their outfits (particularly the silk numbers) have as much style as Vera Duckworth. They spend an inordinate amount of time sitting down or sliding off for another costume change, or to do their hair, which obviously doesn't work those waistlines. It's taken them two years to get around to touring, and perhaps they should have done more training.

There are several films, some terrible jokes, the musicians get to indulge their jazz-funk fantasies and occasionally Waistlife sing one of their hits. For Flying Without Wings they - gasp! - fly without wings over the audience! This is encouraging. If only they had a song called Plunging into Vats of Boiling Oil.

At Nottingham Arena February 27 and 28; Birmingham NEC March 2-4; then touring.